Stand-up comedian and Saturday Night Live alum John Mulaney is well-known for his incredibly funny routines.
Here are over 40 of his funniest quips, comments and observations about, well, everything!
Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes and Best Stories
“Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.”
“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”
“I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”
“Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.”
“I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”
“I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”
“It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.”
“I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.”
“Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.”
“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?”
“I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
“All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”
“Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.”
“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
“Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.”
“Just because you’re accurate, it doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
“I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back. The butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me.”
“When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”
“If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”
“I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be like, ‘We’d all go to play jacks by the side fountain.’ And you’re like, ‘Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot'”
“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”
How could you not like John Mulaney? He’s hilarious!
“I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.”
“I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just
pants.”
“College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?”
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?”
“I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.”
“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”
“Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.”
“When I walk down the street I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting”
“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”
“You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”
“Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”
“By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas.”
“It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
“For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”
“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”
“You start doing something, and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly, and then they shake it out, and you get beautiful toddlers.”
“I like it when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”
“I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”
“Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.”
“I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.”
“It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes”
Who is John Mulaney?
John Mulaney is a successful stand-up comedian and writer for Saturday Night Live. In addition, he starred in a semi-autobiographical sitcom named Mulaney in 2014 and 1015.
His stand-up is quite successful, with Netflix producing “The Comeback Kid” in 2015. In addition, he has written, produced, and starred in three comedy specials. And he has received an Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special.
One of the Best Quotes by John Mulaney
“Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’.”
I can’t stop at just one. Here is another hilarious John Mulaney quote:
“It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”
